Should The Right Hand Let The Left Know What Its Doing?

Is it okay for one person in a relationship to keep secrets from the other person? That seems to be a simple enough question. Most people would volunteer the goody two shoe answer of "of course not". That would be the easy answer, but not the most believed. There are a great deal of couples who are honest about the taste of the food, the hair styles, body appearance, and even sexual satisfaction. Unfortunately, there are not very many that are willing to be completely honest about financial situations.

I had to ask my wife for forgiveness one year. Sometimes, people keep secrets, and they do not even realize it. I privately harbored the belief that my wife would "single handily" wipe out any money that she found out about. I was operating in unforgiving ways, and judging her based on her past decisions. I thought to myself, " I will never tell her, if I win the Lottery". I thought that I would pay off all of the bills, secure our future investments, and take her shopping with the left over money. Does that sound familiar? Can I get a witness? I know someone has felt that way before. I realized that I had no right to keep such a blessing from her, if such a blessing happened. I would feel betrayed to know that my wife won $50,000, and disclose it after it was depleted. That is why I apologized, and asked for her forgiveness. I began to understand that we would never be blessed as a couple, if we could not function as a couple. Why should great things fall into our hands, when we plan to lie about it immediately.

The older generation would concede to having some secrets in order to make the relationship have peace. I suppose that concept seems like a noble one. The terrible part about keeping secrets is that they can sometimes lead to deeper secrets. Have you ever heard someone say that lies can lead you into an even deeper web of lies? Secrets can work the same way in a relationship. One secret can cause a person to tell several in order to cover up the first. It may have been a noble gesture in the beginning, but it could really hurt your partner after the heavy build up of dishonesty begins to tumble. I have personally witnessed both genders from the older generations advise people to keep secrets. Female x told her niece to keep a stash, and never tell your man. I quote, " Chowl, don't ya let dat boy know where all ya pennies be, or you ain't gone ever have none for ya self". On a separate occasion, I heard male x say, " If you ever let a woman know what your private savings is, she gone always find a purpose for it". I will not deny that it certainly feels like the old people were correct sometimes, but they were not.

I always tell my children that there is only one reason to lie. There are no valid, or acceptable reasons to lie. All reasons fall into one category. That category is fear. That is right. Everyone who ever lied, did so because of the fear of one thing or another. People fear getting fired, beaten, divorced, rejected, ridiculed, emotionally hurt, and many other things. It is all fear. What are you scared of? A secret and a lie is in the same family. Both are akin to dishonesty. Stop the lies now.

If a couple is not married, I agree with the concept of a need to know relationship. Some things are none of your business. That only changes when you are married or engaged to be married. It would be unwise to tell your boyfriend about every dime that you posses, and the access codes to all of the goods. If he gives no commitment, you don't have to either. That applies to both sexes. The bible talks about two people becoming one flesh. That also means one bank account. Even if you have two, they must operate like one. Both partners need to know what is going on. Why does it feel like freedom to not tell the other person? There is no agreement between the two. A house divided against itself cannot stand.What is his is his and hers. If you don't trust him or her, don't marry the person. It reflects your judgement, if you can't trust a person whom you have carefully probed. Discard that person, thank your intuition, and start again. Christians call that discernment. You must trust yourself, and that person will become "yourself". The two shall become one flesh. I am not going to go there completely, but quit hiding the money. A division sown any place within your relationship will ultimately cause division at the surface level. A split in the money is a split in the honey. I say, "First the bank, Then the bed". Complete separation is inevitable.People have been lolled to sleep with passivity. Its time to wake up and smell the coffee. If this hurts, this is for you.

What can you do about this whole mess? The first thing is to simply acknowledge that you have a problem in your relationship. The next thing to find out is why you have the problem in the relationship. The problem is common, and is one of the leading causes of divorce in the United States. Most people did not set out to be a fabricating dog, full of fear, and stuck to a web of lies. I said before, that secret and lies are rooted in fear. One might ask, "how do I get beyond it"? There are two immediate things to do.

1. Find out what your specific fear is.
2. Understand that you can defeat it with your mouth.

Every lie that I have ever told could have been defeated with courage, confidence, and communication.

• Courage: A necessary volitional act. A self imposed decision
• Confidence: A trust that only comes with intimate knowledge of the subject matter.
• Communication: The ability to transmit and receive the essential message to be conveyed.

Every time that I improved my spousal communications, I also improved my relationship. Improved communications equals improved relations. There is a way to talk about the fact that both people feel suppressed when conversing on money. There are deeper trust issues, and certain division at large in the relationship. These things can be resolved. You can get on the same page, even if it takes counselling, study, and a ton of prayer. All things are possible. Should the right hand let the left know what it is doing? The answer is, absolutely yes. Unison, syncopation, coordination, and relation, are words of harmony that only exist when two work together. Let's get it.